Thursday, August 6, 2009


Yes, the title is spelled the way I want it. No, I don't know where I'm going with this.
It has taken me way longer than expected to retrieve the pictures from my friend Sonder, but it's all good. I finished up Portland with Voodoo Donuts, a popular donut shop where you can get Captain Crunch and Froot Loop donuts along with maple bars with bacon on them. As nutritious as that sounds, it was quite tasty to be honest. I also stumbled upon a pretty cool Saturday market thing downtown where I had myself a delicious omlette at one of the many food stands in the area. There was a lot of Indian and Greek food too.
I am having a surprisingly hard time focusing right now, frankly. I actually don't feel very well. I am convinced it's self-induced and my mind is doing this to me. I'm doing this to myself. I need to snap out of it so I can go to sleep and not get sick to my stomach. Isn't it odd how the things that you thought wouldn't affect you again or as much as they had in the past tend to jump out and startle you? It makes you sick sometimes. Things you thought were simple parts of the scenes back in a past act resurface with such acridity it seems impossible to simply shrug off.
Things change constantly as life goes on. Fact. I am aware of this. I also know that we grow and improve by embracing change and doing the best we can to take things as they come, knowing full well our reactions are all we have the ability to control. It's just a little staggering sometimes when things change very rapidly in a short time. Stepping back, I believe I can see now the different paths things and people have taken to lead them all here at this moment to combine into a wave I wasn't really ready for. It is amazing to me the way people change. The way they can convince themselves (or try so hard to convice others) they are so happy when they seem to forget they have given up their dreams, character and true friends. For what? Security? The easy way out; the risk-free way? That's one basic path I have identified and there are many others converging here as I write.
Life is a series of intersections.
I should have listened to myself when I had the chance before. I suppose I am now... so that's out. How could I have seen it coming though? I should have shouldn't I? I mean words spoken were real enough. They didn't just seem sincere, they were. Actions don't always line up with words, however sincere they are. But other people have to go about their business too. No one waits around forever, especially if it's for something so dubious.
Yellow light.
Why does it still knock me down? How come there are so many things I pretend don't mean a thing and don't remind me of anything when I know, I KNOW that's not true? I have to do that now don't I? As much as I hate running from things, surely if I stay I would be defeated. Maybe that approach is all wrong here.
Red light.
Maybe I should fight it. Face it painfully and just get rid of it all. I'll turn that energy into what I need in other areas at this point too. I can't wait around either. I can't just sit here.I guess it's what I have to keep doing now. I thought I was moving forward with such focus, but I think I knew better. I have to stop kidding myself. The ol' handcuffs between the ears trick isn't going to cut it anymore. What am I sitting around for anyway? There are things to be done, I can't keep going back to what I know isn't going to happen and focus on what I know I can make happen now. Well here goes. As soon as I wake up.
Green light.

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